The Value of Prunes

Motherhood is a neurotic time, and I'm not one to miss out on opportunities for self-inflicted torture. But really, it's our job to keep babies alive (No pressure!) and as a result, us parents spend gross amounts of time imagining their demise. Or at least I do. These days, the seasonal nightmare that loops in my subconscious involves drowning. #1 cause of accidental death for kids, after all. Knowing this you'd think I'd have my daughter in swimming lessons but they've never been convenient for us, she's never begged for them, and frankly, I don't want to have to wax my bikini line that often. Have I mentioned that I'm a bad mother? Good news is I've discovered a single wax approach that's way more fun than the bi-weekly gridlock to the petri dish! It's called...wait for it... The Family Vacation! With limitless access to a hotel pool, we racked up a good 24 hours of consecutive swimming time (breaking only for snacks and naps) while our daughter went from a terrifyingly weak dog paddler to swimming laps with the breast stroke and scavenging pool toys 7.5 feet under just for kicks. As long as she loses the high-pitched dog whistle that squeaks from her nose (chlorine anyone?), I think we've come out ahead and have one more great reason to take family vacations.

A Bad Wrap

Aw, crap.  This morning I saw a headline that made me panic: "Get Rid of Plastic Wrap".  I mean, I did have an idea that it's not great for us or the landfill.  And I've not only stopped using any plastic in the microwave, but have also stopped using the microwave 90% of the time....but upon reading the article in question I realized many more of my plastic/aluminum sins.  PVC (polyvinyl chrloride) has the worst environmental problems of all plastics!  Apparently Glad Wrap and Saran Premium Wrap produce less dioxins, but are obviously still a major disposable threat to the environment.  Giving up plastic wrap and freezer baggies altogether would be so hard.  Impossibly.  But when I hear the words ~Hormone Disruptors~ I do have to think of my two boys getting boobies or not being able to have children of their own one day.

photo found at aboutmyplanet.com

Solution?  I'm going to try to hunt down some non-toxic wrap.  If it exists.  And I pledge to use actual containers even more (I like to store food in the fridge in a ceramic bowl with a plate on top, or in metal).  And I highly recommend reading the article--much of it you already know, but perhaps not all.  It's a good primer for detoxing your home and yourself, as Natasha Turner, ND (author of The Hormone Diet) urges us to do.  I think she has some good points.  And I bet mom agrees!

Sleep, The Holy Grail

This guest post isn't just about getting your little one to sleep through the night....it's also for those of us grown-ups who just aren't getting our rest while everyone else is snoring contentedly.

Our mommy friend, Cea, wrote this note:

So my lovely friend Tish tells me about this stone called haemetite; you put it under your pillow and you are supposed to sleep better. I tend to be sceptical about such things, but I am also the mom of two and therefore desperately sleep-deprived...so willing to give it a try! Well, it has only been two nights, but I can tell you that both {hubby} and I have slept better, and even more valuable than this, both boys slept through the night (ok, baby was up once) until NINE OCLOCK!!...Pick them up cheap at any shop that sells crystals and stick them under all pillows. Thank You, Tish!!

And thank you, Cea!
After a  few nights of post sleepus-interruptus insomnia  (after the kids did their nightly wake-ups I couldn't get back in the zone), I am going to dig through the jewelry box for the piece of haemetite I used to wear around my neck for 'grounding' in the early 90's.  Hope Cea's sleep rubs off on us all...and of course we invite your success stories!

Ah Summer... Part 2

There's a thin line between love and hate. It was May the first time I heard La Cucaracha pumping through the streets this year. An unseasonably cold, cloudy day. Not your typical Cucaracha kinda day. It's difficult to describe the cocktail of emotions I felt in that moment: Anger, fear, lust, hatred... I scrambled to the front window to confirm the obvious. And in my mind, I waved my fist. When I was a kid, the ice cream guys were hunky, shirtless teenagers in tight cut-offs who rode bikes with freezers soldered to the front end. Oo la la. They had dark tans, money belts, freedom... and they had ice cream. Now I was a pretty private kid but, overcome by emotion, I confessed to my mother that I would one day marry a DickeeDee. These days, ice cream sales have gone a little more corporate. It's now a camper van (heh?) that rolls by echoing robotic music, hand claps and literally calls out to kids. Total pediphilemobile. As a parent, I now hate the ice cream man. WHY are they combing the streets, interrupting our bed-time stories and our nourishing dinners, turning innocent children into intolerable whiners? I used to want to marry a DickeeDee. And now I want to kill him. A natural progression?

The truth about "Sunscream"

That's what my kids call it...they really think it's sunscream.  hee hee.  Now, rather than tell you what I know about how to keep our kids safe in the sun (besides the obvious long sleeves and pants and hats and staying in the basement playing wii unless it's raining), I want to ask YOU what you know about sunscreen.  Please send me your wisdom.  I'm confused by 'all natural' 'kid friendly' 'waterproof' 'no tears' and all that.  Does it have to be opaque with zinc and aluminum in it to work?  Does everything except organic stuff fill our kids pores with toxins?  And don't we want them to have a little Vitamin D?  Dermatologists are saying that even getting a tan is the body desperately defending itself from UV harm.  Aw, crap!  Seems to me I've heard there's more incidence of cancer because we are missing that sunshine vitamin.  I'm flustered.  Then again, I'm of the generation that slathered on baby oil and iodine...Help a girl out!

Word to Your Mother

A friend posted this article (click on actual article for easier reading).  

The funny part is I had just heard from someone, who does not have the joy/massive undertaking of children, wondering why I hadn't responded their email yet.  I think they were feeling a little ignored...I shot back a slightly hysterical and over-informative list of obstacles that preclude even reading emails and then wondered if I shouldn't have clicked "Send".  Then I tripped on this article and laughed my butt clear off.   Hope you like it too.

Ah, summer...

Ah, summer... Time to bare it all. And discuss it with your children. Mini Me: "Are those your veins??" Me: "They're called Spider veins. Lots of people get them when they're older." Mini Me: (With an exhilarated sigh) "I can't WAIT to see where I get them!" ...And if you're really lucky you'll get crows feet, corns and pee your pants in public! Is this why it's 'no minis over 30'?

The Karate Kid Konsequence

Daddy took our kids to The Karate Kid the other day.  Thought it would be a fun, maybe slightly educational ("wax on, wax off" with Arnold from Happy Days, y'know?) and entertaining movie.  But it sounds pretty hardcore.  Apparently, there are some  freaking scary bully moments that I don't remember Ralph Macchio, or myself as a chickensh_t  pre-pubescent patron, having to endure.  Or did I?  Apparently the kids weren't sure they wanted to stay!  Do you ever totally whiff it when it comes to age-appropriate movie content?  "Sorry, Junior, mommy didn't realize the whole town was going to be obliterated by a radioactive serial-killing asteroid!  Shall we change your pull-up?"

Ultimately, the kids survived and came home with mini posters of Jaden Smith doing that wicked cool kick.  The Duck held his up to a light and said "Look, I'm woasting my postew!".  But then the real danger that arises from age-inappropriate exposure kicked in....there was about an hour of hand to hand combat while Daddy desperately called out "No, No, karate is what you do so you don't have to fight.  It's for making peace!"  Kidney chop, roundhouse, wild poking motion....sigh....

By the way, if you'd like to get the Full Scoop on what your kids are about to go see, or rent, go to screenit.com (scroll down on the left to Australia says new 'Karate Kid' too brutal for kids) and you'll get an extensive, comprehensive description of the content provided by and for parents who want to know these things. Wish I'd done that.  Apparently The Karate Kid is great for 12 year olds.  Our kids are 7 and 3.  Whiffed it.  

Where there's smoke...

Okay, I can't resist.  I know this is old news.  And I did not want to stoop but down we go....
It's the smoking toddler in Indonesia.  He's on my mind as I lie awake.  2 packs a day.  If someone doesn't intervene with some Nicorette or a patch or Wellbutrin or NEW PARENTS there will be an international disturbance (and we already have enough of those).

What freaks me out further is that in the picture I saw he's wearing a leather jacket while he smokes.  So now toddlers everywhere are going to think it's cool to smoke.  Rim shot, cymbal splash.  There are so many jokes swirling around this awful situation, but it is so Not Funny.  His father claims he has tantrums when he doesn't get a cigarette.  Not sure where to go with that, except possibly jail.  Please, some Human Rights activist somewhere, please take care of this.

Wait....stop the presses.....as I write this, I learn that this little boy is now getting some help (though if you click that link you will be disturbed by the reason).  Alright.  Except when I googled "toddler smoking", pictures came up of more toddlers smoking.  And I learned that, to quote reporter Trish Lamonte of syracuse.com,
"a study by the child protection commission in Indonesia shows a growing problem among children. Between 2001 and 2007, the number of children between the ages of five and nine who smoke increased 400 percent, according to the study."
What the? Is Indonesia the only country where this awful increase is happening?  I have a feeling it's not.  I'm now not feeling so bad that my kids had 2 desserts today.

Bad Mothers

Last week was a whirlwind of migraines, stomach aches and tragic food choices - not for my kid but for myself. If I can't take care of myself, who can I take care of?? Sheesh. Bad Mother. To top the week off, our fab fellow blogger Rachael Chatoor allowed us the pleasure of hooking up with mommy celeb Erica Ehm who's apparently ALL ABOUT being a Bad Mother. Or bad-ass, anyway. In her YummyMummyClub you too can feel like a M.I.L.F. Thankfully, Erica's new definition is "Modern Inspired Life-makers Freakin' multi-tasking babes". And I can work with this. If you feel like your kids don't fully support your bad-ass self, just read them the Mischievous Mom At The Art Gallery a few times (written by the queen of bad-assness herself) to get everyone straightened out. A'ight?